It’s not about reason.
Mental illness is not a choice. Hence the whole ‘illness’ part.
You don’t choose to have crippling self-hatred and suicidal ideations anymore than you would choose to have bone cancer.
Last night I thought I kissed
the loneliness from out your belly button.
I thought I did, but later you sat up,
all bones and restless hands, and told me
there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo.
I never know what to say to these things.
“It’s okay.” “Come back to bed.”
“Please don’t go away again.”
Sometimes you are gone for days at a time
and it is all I can do not to call the police,
file a missing person’s report, even though
you are right there, still sleeping next to me
in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house
in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders.
Except in this case I am the intruder and you
are already locked up so tight that no one
could possibly jimmy their way in.
Last night I thought I gave you a reason
not to be so sad when I held your body like
a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason,
all sensibility, all love. I know better now.
I know what to say to the things you admit to me
in the dark, all bones and restless hands.
“It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.”
“Please come back to me again.”
Sometimes I really don’t feel like existing like not in a suicidal way but I just wish there was a way of pausing life so that I could sleep for a few weeks and figure some stuff out and then not have to feel guilty for missing loads of stuff because really no time had passed at all
see, for me, the most amazing thing about buffy’s depression arc is that it fits into the narrative so seamlessly
buffy did not want to live in season five
she says it straight out in the gift, “the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” she’s lost her mother, her opportunities to be normal both relationship and education-wise, and she’s in danger of losing her sister. when she does lose her sister, she has a mental breakdown
and then she commits suicide, and whether it’s a sacrifice or not, these are still the actions of someone who is not eager to live in the world as it is
and when she comes back in s6, it isn’t just being in heaven that spurs her depression arc forward, it’s being alive in general, being forced to exist with all the stresses and triggers of the past year. it’s having to return to the world after finally gaining her wish to leave it
and the key here is how incredibly selfless buffy is, because the only way she could justify leaving in the first place was to do it for someone else, as a sacrifice for dawn. and she hangs on to the world in s6 because she’s needed, because giving up isn’t an option when people are relying on her to live and not die for them
even if she’d rather die for them throughout
this is a good post and you should feel good. the biggest thing that i love about buffy’s depression arc in s6 is that it’s not that she DEVELOPS depression then. it’s that it gets the best of her because it got worsened by heaven and the chance to finally break free of it that she had and then lost.
it’s an arc that was building just as long as willow’s addiction. buffy shows massive depressive tendencies as early as out of mind, out of sight, in huge quantities in s2 and 3, and throughout all of s5 as her life circumstances begin to leave her less and less capable of managing it.
and despite NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE UNDERSTANDING WHAT SHE’S GOING THROUGH, OR BEING SYMPATHETIC TO IT, because they’re all busy being selfish and demanding things of her — yes, even spike, despite how she turns to him in s6 — she pulls through it.
and how does she pull through it? the same way she does everything else. on her own. let me just take a minute to stand in awe of how much strength that takes. she doesn’t do it with the help of her friends. she does it when riley points out that she’s better than this and she takes the steps to force herself to behave like she is. she doesn’t full snap out of it until she hallucinates her mother. it’s her own hallucination that gives her the strength.
anyone who has depression knows how absolutely painful and difficult that is. round of applause for buffy summers plz.
buffy summers is perfect okay
everything in this post <3
"That’s what you do with Depression, you mask the symptoms. The symptoms of Depression IS depression, it’s not a symptom of something else. It’s not like you go “oooh, I feel really sad” and then your arse falls off. The symptoms of Depression is depression. You take away the symptoms of Depression HALLOOOOO! you’re cured! But Tom [Cruise] was like “no, no, no Matt. Matt, these drugs Matt, these drugs they’re just a crutch, these drugs are just a crutch!” and I’m thinking “yes?”. THEY’RE A CRUTCH! You don’t walk up to a guy with one leg and say “hey pal, that crutch is just a crutch, THROW IT AWAY! Hop ya bastard! That crutch is masking the symptoms of your one leggedness”."
Craig Ferguson on Tom Cruise attacking Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants to fight Post-Partum Depression. (via themarriageofadeadblogsing)
I have always thought Craig Ferguson was a very smart man. It appears I was right.
“It’s not like you go “oooh, I feel really sad” and then your arse falls off.”
i’m so glad he pointed out how fucked up the idea that something as a crutch is a bad thing
crutches are hella useful things
You can pry my Better Living Through Chemistry Crutch from my cold dead hands. Ironically, without the Lexapro, I would be dead because I would have offed myself YEARS ago.
people are very accepting of depression and anxiety and other mental illness until they run across someone who doesn’t fit the narrative of “aw poor sad beautiful shy girl who’s perfect in every way except she can’t see it but if you tell her you love her she’ll magically be cured”
because guess what it’s not that easy it’s not that simple it doesn’t work that way
mentally ill people are hard to deal with
we are by turns annoying and aggressive and shy and manic and depressed
we are not always fun to be around
we are difficult
and guess what? telling us we’re beautiful or we shouldn’t feel sad or we’re loved isn’t going to magically fix that
and god forbid we be crazy in a way that’s irritating to you
because the same people who claim to be there “if anyone needs anything at all!!!! <333” are usually the ones who are dismissive, cruel, who laugh when, god forbid, someone ISN’T that shy, sad, broken teenage girl who just needs someone to love her
and that acceptance ends abruptly when our mental illness becomes inconvenient
and that’s just fucked up.
It saddens me so many people have reblogged this, and so many people have felt this horrible feeling that I, too, have experienced. I wish I could do something for each soul. More than 25,000 people. Can’t believe.
More than 73,000 people now..
This is sad. If you ever need to talk I’ll be here when you’re ready.
Everyone keeps saying it is sad that so many people have rebloged this, and yes it is, but there is also a bright side, 315,034 are still here today
*tried to kill yourself.
I told her most of the time it’s because of kids being bullied.
She said not many people get bullied that she sees.
You don’t have to see it for it to be happening.
I want to show her something.
Reblog if you’ve ever been bullied.
If you were ever called fat, ugly, a hoe, slut, bitch, anything that hurt you.
If you were ever shoved around.
Made fun of for being yourself.
Anything to hurt you.